It’s hard to believe that tomorrow will mark one year since my fathers death. I’ve never lived an entire year of my life without him, and it has been difficult to come to terms with the fact that he will not be here for the remainder of my years or any of my childrens. My dad did meet Lucy very briefly, although i’m not totally sure how much of him was really there when he did because he was on such strong meds at the time. I don’t really know how to feel at this point, it seems to be that some days I don’t think about it at all, and other days it feels like it has just happened all over again. When Ben’s mom came to visit, she brought with her the copy of our wedding DVD that we hadn’t seen yet. Low and behold there was lots of footage of my dad..and of he and I dancing at the reception. It took my breath away. I never expected to be able to have that on tape, to have it to watch whenever I just need to remember him…and I will never forget it because it is the only time we ever danced together. I am so thankful for the last few years of my dad’s life in particular because I saw him grow. I saw him soften, I saw him weak and strong, laugh and cry and forgive..and ask for forgiveness. My dad and I made peace in our own way over the last few years and there are no words to describe the gratitude I feel in my heart for that because it has made his death..easier.
I miss him, I wish he was here everyday for my mom, for us and for his grandchildren..he will miss out on them but how I wish Lucy had her Pappy here to take her for long walks in the little red wagon, to teach her things and make her laugh.
Tomorrow morning at 11am we will have a private family mass at my mom’s house with Fr. Zach and then visit dad’s grave. Please pray for our family that we receive much healing tomorrow that will carry us through the next year without our dad.
One good thing to come of this weekend is that we will have Kerri’s baby shower the following day. It seems to be that the last few baby showers have been marked with sadness in our family. Mine was held the day after my grandmother died…at her house..the day before her funeral. yikes…hopefully this one will be far more joyous 🙂 Hoping you’re having a great weekend!