I need to relax

With my 26th birthday just around the corner, I have been doing some thinking. I am realizing that the older I get and the more busy my life becomes, the stronger my need to control my environment becomes. Although I wouldn’t consider myself a full blown perfectionist, I definitely have perfectionist tendencies. Example, our parish priest is coming over for dinner tomorrow night, and although i’m sure he could care less what our apartment looks like and how well behaved my children are..I care. I care a lot. I care more than I should. I know that I have a 7 week old and an 18 month old, but I refuse to believe that that means my home should look like a bomb just went off in it.

Lucy is in this new phase of just dumping things out randomly and walking away. She doesn’t even play with it. She just wants to create mess and my inner neat freak has a mini panic attack every time. I have to physically restrain myself from following her and picking up every little item behind her. I think the mental effort of it all is equally tiring as actually cleaning it up. Lucy is cutting molars and has been in the worst of moods all day. When I finally got both girls to bed tonight, I just looked at the state of the place, sat on my couch and just cried. I don’t have the energy to keep up with them and that scares me.

Ben is working a LOT of evenings lately (5 out of 7 nights) and I am just drained. So is he. We are doing our best to keep on keeping on but I wonder how long we can keep it up for. This has certainly not helped me get back into Weight Watchers at all. I am discovering that I am an emotional eater and that I like to eat when stressed. Unfortunately that has been the feeling of the week and my weekly and daily points are gone. I still plan on having that bowl of ice cream tonight though, because by gosh I earned it!!!! Hope your day was better than mine.


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