God is merciful. Time and time again, He proves it to me, in lots of small ways that leave me humbled. There are days lately when Lucy’s growing sense of independence and need for freedom wear me down so thin, I just have to cry. It has been very difficult for me to admit to anyone, myself included that I am struggling to persevere through whatever it is Lucy is growing through at the moment. Being a stay at home mom is by far the most difficult ‘job’ I have ever had. It is the only job I’ve had where I get yelled at every day, have my patience tried to the absolute limit and have no time to myself for 12 hours of my day. I have often felt like a bad mom recently, totally losing my cool with my daughter, who is probably looking at me and wondering what my problem is. God is merciful. He is holding my hand through all of this and walking gently by my side, and when I just can’t walk anymore, we stop. We stop and I fall apart in his arms until I’m ready to keep going.
I remember when Ben and I were still engaged, thinking how great it was that I had my vocation all figured out. It was as if this huge burden had been lifted from me and I’d never have another one sent my way. I never imagined the issues we would have with Ben’s immigration, the miscarriages, the moving, the financial stresses, or even just the routine of the day to day being home with children. If God had told the 21 year old me about all that would be once we were married, I don’t know that I could have said yes so easily. Not because I don’t love Ben, but because all of those things are ‘grownup problems’ and I was young and in love. God was merciful by not showing me the future. He just made sure I married the right man who would be by my side through all of those things.
I’m with St. Therese of Lisieux when she said, “My vocation is love”. Our vocation is the way by which we are called to love God and His church, be it through marriage, religious life or single life. God has shown me that I can best love and serve Him, by loving and serving Ben and the girls. But God never shows us the pain, the struggle or the hardship of our tomorrows, because He wants us to focus on the blessings of today.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own” Matthew 6:34
I’ve come to see that when I spend my days living in tomorrow and worrying about what they will bring, I completely miss out on the blessings of the day that I am in. Let me tell you, I am blessed. So richly blessed by my husband and daughters and two babies in Heaven. I am blessed to know my God, to stay at home and raise our children, blessed in oh so many ways. We all are. Our blessings may be very different, but we all have them.
Much like Christ, we are each blessed, broken and shared. We are blessed by those we love and those who love us, we are broken when we realize we can’t love our dear ones or anyone for that matter on our own strength and we are shared, giving our lives entirely for the sake of others knowing Christ, even when our efforts are less than perfect. I have been blessed, broken and shared..and I am a better woman for it.
Thank you Lord, for the example we have in your Son, who, never counting the cost gave Himself up willingly so that we could know You and be with You. Help me not to count the cost of the little hardships You send my way, but let each one make me more grateful for Your merciful love.