Autumn is my absolute favorite season. The crisp air, the amazing colours, the slowing down and settling in feeling that I get. The smells of delicious baking, the many many cups of hot drinks, the warmth of wearing your pyjamas straight after supper and enjoying the hibernation. I’m thankful for this particular change of season because things are changing in my heart.
I feel as though I’ve been coasting for quite some time now. Having a newborn can make a mother feel like all she has time for are her children. And sometimes, that is true, and it is good and right, especially in that season in our lives. But what about when our newborns become 6 month olds? and 1 year olds? and can you even believe it, adults?? It is so hard to maintain the bigger picture of what we are trying to achieve as mothers. Are we just free floating from baby to baby and thinking that we will eventually get around to being the moms we want to be? that personal prayer will eventually happen and we will get around to getting our households in order? I have felt that way often and have let that voice inside my head, the one that feeds me lies tell me that I’m right..I’ll never get it together, heck, I’ll barely make it through the day. Enough, I say. Enough. I’ve decided to get right with God for my own sake, for my marriage, for my girls and for our home.
The biggest thing this has required from me was honesty.
~Honesty about the way I spend my days. Honesty about what works for us as a family and what doesn’t.
~Honesty about how much television we were really watching in the run of a day. This has inspired us to completely cancel our cable as of this Friday at which point we will be unplugging the TV and hiding it away so that it is no longer the insane distraction that it had become. We will still be able to watch videos on our computer from time to time.
~Honesty in myself about how much time I was really spending on useless things like Facebook and blogs that I would happen upon, only to read them and forget what I had read entirely.
~Honesty in our marriage about how we had let our date nights slip away because of a hectic work schedule. We are now doing babysitting swapping with another couple on a monthly basis so we can go out for an evening without paying a babysitter.
~Honesty about that fact that despite my best efforts, I had pretty much given up my personal prayer and was not putting in the time it takes to maintain my primary relationship. Oh, and the fact that I haven’t been to reconciliation for a scary long time.
This honesty has brought about in me a desire for accountability, friendship, prayer, and a new focus for our family. My living daily for Christ had turned into simply getting by from day to day…and I was burnt out. It had become difficult to give myself over to the task of our raising our girls because I was never content with the amount of personal time I was getting.
Turning things around in our lives is not easy. It requires us not only to do the necessary tasks, but to put our hearts into it. Life felt like it had become that movie, Groundhog Day were no matter what you do, everything is the exact same as the day before. Then something happened. My heart decided that it was ready to open up again. It was my own little mini conversion. Through a combination of this, this, this and this things are looking up.
I am getting up at 6am most mornings now. I make my bed, brush my hair, get dressed and come out to the living room and sit in my rocking chair to pray. I read my personal mission statement, I sing a few songs of praise and I read scripture and journal. Some days I get 15 minutes before my girls are up, some days more. Either way, I am making my personal prayer a priority. If I want our children to care about their relationship with God, than I need to keep mine going!
Getting rid of our TV is going to be major for me. Major. Especially with the weather cooling down and us being inside more. I never intended for it to become so used in our home. We never even had one set up when we were first married. Slowly over time, I have used it as a filler for when I was nursing Abigail for an extended period of time, or needing 5 minutes of peace to myself or to get dinner going. It is a crutch that our family will have to live without. The first few days will surely be an adjustment and I am banking on it, but there are other things to do. I’m hoping to spend more time doing fun crafty things with Lucy. And I’ve started reading again, sewing, baking more and my mama soul is feeling refreshed. I’m beginning to feel like I am more than a mama..I am also Katie. I have no interest in being the 18 year old version of myself anymore, I’ll happily settle for the 26 year old version..she is much more my pace. I’m finally taking the time to do the things that make my heart sing. I hope you are too.