February

Is it just me or has this winter been feeling realllllllllllllly long? We have spent far too much time indoors cooped up and I have to say that it has been getting me down. After several days of far too many tears, som good heart to hearts with my man, I have to say that I am either actually depressed or suffering from some severe winter blahs that I need to do something about.

Around Christmas time I ordered myself a book online called, “One Thousand Gifts” written by Ann Voskamp. She is also this woman. In the beginning of the book she tells about a nightmare she had in which she was told she had terminal cancer. She wakes from the dream in a complete panic thinking to herself, “I need more time!” But then the thought comes to her..more time for what? More time to complain about my day to day life? chores? children? homeschooling? the very things she spent most of her life wanting and then being ungrateful for them on a daily basis. I may as well have written this book it’s so similar to my life. The passage that has been a knife to my heart reads,
“Ultimately, in his essence, Satan is an ingrate. And he sinks his venom into the heart of Eden. Satan’s sin becomes the first sin of all humanity: the sin of ingratitude. Adam and Eve are, simply, painfully, ungrateful for what God gave. Isn’t that the catalyst of all my sins? Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren’t satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.”
The sin of ingratitude! I don’t know that I have ever even confessed ungratefulness in a confessional! Call me crazy, but this blew my mind. What I couldn’t believe was just how true this felt in my heart, how it mirrors the way I have felt in my mind and attitude towards my family and my life. God is seriously changing me one page at a time. I promise if you read this, you will not be sorry. You can get it here.
With my heart finding new courage, I am trying to be more mindful of the amazing things I have to be grateful for each day. Small things that seem trivial at times. Hot oatmeal, newly knitted socks from my mama, a very cuddly Abigail in the mornings, the sun reflecting off the snow and beaming into our living room.
Winter is not an easy time for a lot of people. I’ve wondered if perhaps I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’m trying hard to fight these winter blues and so the last two days I have actually gone outside for about a half hour, done a DVD workout, and started a new knitting project. I’ve been meaning to tell you all but guess what? I can knit! I have wanted to learn for many years. I did learn how to crochet while on NET many years ago, but I couldn’t remember how to do it. My mum came over and spent some time teaching me about a month ago and slowly every night row by row, I knit my man a scarf! I am extremely happy about this newly found creative fun! So much in fact that I started a scarf for myself last night.

(Ben’s scarf)
People have always told me that they find knitting relaxing. I always thought they were lying, especially the first few rows that I knit. But, now that my hands are becoming comfortable with the movements, I’m finding it to be true! I really, really enjoy knitting and I hope that I can be patient with myself long enough to really get into it and try a few patterns.
With Abigail being almost one and me being so down lately, I have decided that it is time to wean her. My lovely girl would nurse happily until she is five i’m sure of it, but this body of mine is feeling very worn from being pregnant and nursing for some much of these past three years. I know many people think that nursing for nearly an entire year is something to be proud of, but I can’t help but feel guilty since I am the one who is so in need of stopping. I just need to convince Abigail that cuddling with mama is just as good as nursing. We are trying to keep busy this week as I know it will help her to get past it and also helps me believe that Spring will be here soon enough and just as the Winter snow will melt away, so will my blues. Here’s to February, friends! How are you staying warm and cheerful?
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6 thoughts on “February

  1. Oh Katie – You are so right! I love this post! When I start noticing that my negativity is a trend in life – I try so hard to find positive in a day. We all have those silly days that seem to go on forever where all we do is complain. You are definitely not alone on this! It is so easy to fall into the ungrateful game. but like anything the first step is to realize that we have, and then change the way we live. Our weather out west has been so crazy out here this year and often find myself "Stuck" in the house. I have now made it a point to get out of the house each week. Otherwise I get into a ball of emotions and sometimes.. ok all the time… take it out on Jon. Thank goodness for wonderful husbands who can cope with all our emotions! I have tried to pick up crocheting but have not been successful with it yet… I am still working on it… I love the scraft and blanket! Good Job!

  2. Love that you're knitting! It's such a pick-up/put-down craft, not to mention portable. I've been enjoying my sewing a lot lately (working on a new post about a recent project triump…), but it's not something I can take wherever I want. I should get back into crocheting.Please, please don't feel guilty about weaning Abbie! Nursing for an extended time is wonderful when both baby AND mom want to keep at it. But the last thing you want is to end up feeling resentful about it. I felt badly for weaning Simon when I did, but I was pregnant and I *knew* I needed a break.At this point I've been either pregnant, breastfeeding or BOTH for almost 4 straight years. (It'll be 4 years in mid-March.) And with a new baby to nurse coming so soon, I know it'll be closer to five (at least!) before I'm finished. I *completely* understand why you're ready for a break!

  3. Oh Katie, my heart… I understand completely so many things you are saying here! I have been finding winter so long and dreary, and it makes me crazy. I have in the past suffered from SAD (such a funny acronym, considering…) and I have found taking a homeopathic remedy really helps keep me going (Ignatia). It's also pregnancy-and-nursing safe, because yes, I have been pregnant or nursing every day since I got married, save one month before Noah was conceived. Holy crow!So please do NOT feel guilty about weaning Abigail, because nursing is a relationship between TWO people, not just meeting a need for the child, and it's not good to keep doing something that wears us out and makes us less able to do the other necessary things of mothering! There is a Scripture passage comparing the soul resting in God to a weaned child in his mother's lap — it's used as an image of peace and contentment. So we're not depriving our kids when we wean them, simply allowing them to move into a new stage and way to love mommy and be loved by her.Blessings to you, dear friend!

  4. Thank you for the support, girls! It is so encouraging for me to hear from other moms that it is okay to stop nursing and that life will go on. I know that it does because Lucy is prove of that to me everyday, but my little heart just goes out to Abbie who is such a little cuddly bear. We are on day 4 now of zero nursing and she is doing so well, busy as a bee as always. Jenna, I would loveee to find that scripture verse if you know where to find it?Knitting is so very wonderful. I love that it is so pick up put down since that is all I really have time for during the day. A few rows is better than no rows right? Right. I feel like the sunshine we have had these past few days is helping me a lot and I just have to keep making sure to get outside, if only for a few minutes each day.Thank goodness for amazing husbands is right! I am so thankful that Ben's capacity to deal with my many many emotions seems to be huge, another way God shows me how much he loves me. Here's to the winter crazies! 🙂

  5. Beautiful post. It is so nice to "meet" you as you reveal yourself in a very honest post. Last winter seemed so much harder for me than this winter. I made it a point, or rather my husband has made it a priority to take me on a walk each evening after dinner, just the two of us. That alone has done wonders for my mental health I would say; time alone with him, fresh air, exercise…

  6. I have SAD, and the light therapy lamp I have is absolutely essential for me to function. This year I forgot to dig it out until after Christmas, and had some seriously low days. It is, however, a bit expensive. Perhaps if you come for tea some time, we'll switch it on and see if it doesn't "brighten" your day. :PBen's scarf is beautiful. You seem to have excellent, consistent tension. Good job!

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