It finally hit me today that we are in November. I know it’s already the third but i’ve been keeping my hands so busy these past few days in hopes that it wouldn’t catch up to me. The dreaded month of November. The month we lost my dad three years ago. The month we celebrate his birthday a week after the anniversary of his death.
I love Autumn. I love the colours, the smells, the feeling that everything is being made beautiful again. But winter? No. I do not feel happy cozy thoughts about winter. It isn’t winter quite yet, but boy is it starting to feel like it. The sort of cold that has made me start digging around our basement for boots, and gloves and long johns. I woke up this morning and felt like my father had just died all over again.
I tried all day to fight the feelings that were bubbling up. I baked, I read stories to the girls, we went outside to play and rven went for a drive. The minute I stole away to get ready for work, the tears just started to flow, and flow and flow. They would not be stopped. My head was saying, “Praise God in this, Katie” but my heart was so pained I just couldn’t. Every time I look at my girls these last few weeks, all I see is my father. How much joy and pride he would have taken in these two little princesses. How he would have spoiled them until I scolded him.
When I was having a bit of a moment, Lucy came to find me in the bathroom and saw that I was crying. Without even asking me why or what was wrong, she said, “Mama, Pappy is just with Jesus. It’s okay” then she said, “let me wipe your tears now” and tore off some toilet tissue and wiped my eyes so gently. I had no words. My heart in pieces and this little beauty comes and puts me back together with her love and mercy. I think I can confidently say that my sweet girl was Christ to me today. I was and still am humbled and deeply grateful for it.
This month never gets easier it seems, but I am confident in the God who holds us all in his hands, my dad included. I am sure of His love for all of us and I know that, “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18